if You Dont Know Who You Are
Accept you ever really learned who y'all are at a deeper level? Sometimes we walk effectually doing the things we're supposed to do, but rarely cease to figure out who is doing those things.
In this episode, I read an email from a woman who never got a risk to learn who she is because of narcissistic parents telling her who she is all her life. At present that she's a wife and mom, she feels lost.
If you're lost, it's time to observe yourself.
(The post-obit podcast transcript has been modified for easier readability and to benefit the Deaf and hard of hearing)
I'grand a firm believer in finding the right psychological professional person for your needs. The reason I say that is because not all of them have the best qualifications, or I should say that not all of them are into communicating with you lot in the "correct" style.
I'm trying to be careful here because there are and then many bang-up therapists and counselors. They have inverse humanity for many of u.s.a.. Then in that location are some that are aren't then great. I'k going to read y'all an electronic mail momentarily that talks well-nigh someone that I believe isn't so great.
The person who wrote reached out to a advisor and got some help, and was apparently seeing them for a couple of years. From her email, I couldn't tell how good that assist the whole time. Instead of speculating on that, I'll just get right into the e-mail and we'll see where we go with it. Today's topic is virtually someone who doesn't know who they are learning who they are. If you resonate with this, keep listening because I'll share some exercises on information technology in a bit. This is especially true if you are dealing with any blazon of identity issue and yous want to learn who you are at a deeper level.
Here'southward the email: "How-do-you-do, Paul. I've been a listener for over two years, and yous've always helped me organize my thoughts and aid me understand things my previous counselor had never explained to me. I'thousand no longer working with that counselor, yet, I am feeling very lost. He pointed out to me that both my parents check every box for narcissism. I've e'er been controlled by them and never really formed my ain opinions until I got to college. At that point, I actually got that exterior perspective that showed me that I am an private, I can retrieve on my own, and I can make my own decisions.
"As a immature child, my parents oft left united states outside when they were working, so nosotros never really had guidance. I have go a very resilient person and have grown from that, but I'm now in my late 20s with kids, and I'm in a human relationship that has been going on for almost a decade. I'yard just realizing I don't know who I am.
"I've played the office of a mother to my kids and I have worked since they were born. We accept plenty of downs but not many ups. I don't know how to find my true self, or even discover who I truly am because I've always had someone telling me who I am and what to do with my life.
"I'k struggling to lose weight. I realized my life is more important than anything, but I don't know how to have charge of my own life and get my health dorsum where it needs to be. I don't know what else to tell myself. I have every reason to get myself together, but I sometimes just experience so depressed that nothing e'er changes considering our dwelling house life is hectic with my narc female parent living with united states and actively dying from a disease.
"I am finding information technology extremely difficult to motivate myself to do better. I no longer have a advisor because he told me to 'just deal with it'. I don't actually know how to deal with it. I'm hurt and sad."
Thank y'all then much for sharing this. Cheers for expressing it here. I appreciate that. You're listening to the show and y'all're learning things, I love that. I simply want to say something about that counselor who told you to merely bargain with it. Only I'chiliad going to hold back until after the break. I actually want to say something about that, and information technology actually needs to be said but let me tell you what stands out in your letter kickoff.
If I were to cease this episode right at present, I would say "Everything will change when your mom is gone."
That is my prediction if I take out my crystal ball. I'm reading your letter and I'k thinking, wow, this is really tough. This is a tough place to exist in. You don't really have a foundation of your identity. You feel like you don't know yourself well. You've had some learning and growth. When you went to higher that was really helpful but and so y'all ended your letter proverb that your narcissistic mother lives with you!
That to me would be the end of this episode. I would just say, "Well, your mom's living with you lot. Why do you recollect you're feeling the way yous're feeling?"
We typically become away from toxic family unit and become out on our own and practise our own matter then that we can abound and heal. But what has happened here is that the toxic element from your by came back from your past, and is now a part of your life. And is likewise, unfortunately, a office of your identity too. She is in this mix!
I'm not saying you have to get rid of her. She has this affliction. She'south dying. Of course, you're existence human being. You're beingness loving. Y'all're doing everything you can to assistance. That's not what I'1000 saying at all. I'm just saying if you think it'south a big mystery why you tin can't effigy out who yous are and how you fit into the world or whatever, I want you to recollect that you have ane of the near toxic elements of your childhood all the same in your life.
This is like deadly, radioactive plutonium that y'all finally moved away from, and you are starting to feel ameliorate, and so somebody mailed you a plutonium rock and now it's in your house once again.
I have no idea if your mom moved in right away or afterward you got dorsum from college, simply the brilliant part of your letter was when you were in college. While there, you figured out that you have an identity. Or, at least you lot started figuring out that you can make your ain decisions. No one was telling you what to practise. I tin tell that was a more positive time of your life.
Merely then you become to the role where the clouds get dark over again, and the thunder is booming, and things are looking bleak. On top of everything else, your mom lives with you lot. To brand matters worse, your counselor tells you to just deal with information technology.
That irks me. It really ticks me off. I'll address that in a moment. I also want to give you an exercise or two to go through so that you can start the procedure of learning to understand who you are. Only I want you to continue in heed that it's very, very difficult to explore a path of personal growth and evolution, or whatsoever type of mental, psychological, or emotional comeback, when you have a toxic element that is near and around y'all almost of the time (or even some of the time).
About of the time y'all accept this person living with yous that has been like a radioactive isotope in your house and you probably take to deal with that on a daily basis. Furthermore, she is ill. I don't know if that makes information technology more than difficult or not, but I would imagine it probably makes things worse because there might be a conflict inside of you like, "I have to take care of this ill person that I'm supposed to love because she is my mom, only I have feelings about that."
I'm making some assumptions of course. I could exist completely wrong. Only when you've been raised past someone that is also toxic (in this case, egotistic), yous take probably developed attachments where yous love the person and yous tin can't stand them at the aforementioned time. Or, at minimum, you can't stand their behavior.
Y'all want a mom, merely you don't accept one because she doesn't show upwards every bit a "mom". At that place are probably many components to it, merely I want yous to be aware of this person in your life and how she is probably still toxic. Fifty-fifty if she isn't, even if she wasn't bothering you at all and she just stayed in her bedroom all the time, she'south still there.
She'south in your proximity. She is in your mind all the time. You want to know what's eating y'all? That's probably it. Or at least, that'south one of the things eating away at yous. In that location'due south more than to talk about of course. I won't tell y'all to "just deal with information technology." I'm non going to say that considering that's only wrong.
Let me say this, I really want to say "Shame on this counselor." I really want to say that, only I'g not going to. I know… you heard it, you can't unhear information technology. The jury heard it but now I'm striking it from the tape.
I'thou non going to say that nigh the counselor because I don't know the whole story. Perhaps it's how this counselor works. I can't discredit this person. I don't know who this person is. But if this is true, if he just said, "You'll just have to deal with information technology," let me say this, his advice could be 100% right.
If he said something similar, "Y'all're just going to have to deal with information technology. Yous have a situation that's non going to modify so yous accept no choice but to deal with it."
That could be absolutely true! But just you lot don't tell someone who is already in the throes of defeat more than defeating data. You don't exercise it that style. At that place's a certain tact one should take. A sure arroyo so it's not and so defeating and doesn't amplify what they already feel.
Someone should exist able to leave a therapist's office with a sense of promise, non despair. He may have said it in the friendliest tone always, "Hey, I know things are tough. You'll have to deal with this. It'due south something you lot're only going to accept to work through."
I get that. That could have been how he approached it. And once again, his advice could be 100% truthful. And maybe this was a more straight counselor than you wanted. So, again, I'1000 non trying to ignominy him or say anything bad about him, but he should have worded his proposition differently, or simply not said it at all.
In that location's always something else y'all can say besides that. 1 can take a dissimilar approach. There are different ways to view the circumstances. One can highlight a unlike perception or outlook. There's always something that a counselor can say to give you some sense of hope.
This counselor didn't requite that to yous so I'thousand glad that you're not seeing him anymore because I don't think it's practiced communication. Does that mean I'll have good communication? That'southward up to you to make up one's mind. Just I'grand hoping to give you some hope. I'm hoping I tin requite you management. I'm hoping what I say gives you a new outlook or a new perception. That's what usa people-helpers are supposed to exercise on this planet.
I don't accept the residue of the context of your sessions with him so I don't know why information technology ended up the way you lot explained information technology, merely that one fiddling quote in your electronic mail, "just deal with it", even without the context, just irks me. It doesn't brand me experience very good about this person.
Fifty-fifty if he was 100% right and you really had no choice but to bargain with information technology, he should have never told you to just deal with information technology! The reason I am taking so much time on this subject area is because the advisor shouldn't have said something to make you lot feel defeated.
You shouldn't have to go to a counselor to feel that. You can feel that already on your own. It'due south a given! Information technology'due south the most obvious "proposition" anyone could requite you. Y'all already know you have to deal with it. You lot don't accept to pay someone else to tell you something that you already know. That's pretty much why I'thou continuing to talk about this. It's only an unhealthy matter to do. Information technology's not good advice and it's not a good suggestion. I want you to strike information technology from your record. Meaning, don't take information technology as a real suggestion from a professional. Just have information technology as that advisor having a bad 24-hour interval, giving you the wrong communication.
I'll give him that: He was having a bad twenty-four hours and he just couldn't come up with a skillful suggestion for you, so he gave you something that only probably but slipped out of his mouth.
And since information technology wasn't a practiced proffer, strike it from your tape. I don't want you to just deal with information technology, because yous already know you accept to deal with it. That would be similar saying, "Oh my god, I lost my arm in a automobile blow. Now I have no arm!" Then someone comes along and says, "That's actually sad. You're just going to have to deal with information technology."
"Yeah, I know I'yard going to have to bargain with it! Why exercise you have to tell me that? I know I'm going to accept to bargain with this. So can you requite me any blazon of positive outlook? Can you at to the lowest degree tell me there are so many things people with ane arm can practise? Maybe you tin tell me about that drummer on Def Leppard. He's a ane armed drummer, can you at least say that?"
"No, simply deal with it." Ugh.
Okay, I'll get off my discourse at present. Merely delight exercise strike that from your mind fifty-fifty though you've heard it and you lot tin't unhear it. Like I said, some things you probably can't unhear.
I highly respect the therapeutic and counseling professions. There are many, many good ones out there. I'm going to say that you probably didn't have i of those (one of the skilful ones, or at least a compatible one).
"Just bargain with information technology" may actually piece of work for some people. Maybe somebody else would hear that and recollect okay, I'll simply deal with it! Maybe information technology would work for people like that. But I don't think he read y'all well and he didn't make yous feel very hopeful at all.
And so now let's figure out what we can practise instead of just dealing with it. I'k going to go over a couple parts of your electronic mail and accost these things. The commencement function that y'all wrote was, "I don't know how to detect my true self, or even detect who I truly am. Because I've always had someone telling me who I am and what to do with my life."
Y'all've already heard me say this, but your mom is still at that place in the same house, in your proximity. And that is what I call "relationship radiation". I lovet his term because it truly exemplifies what radioactivity tin can do to yous. If yous are near a radioactive source of any type, you're going to feel the fire. It'southward going to make you sick. It's going to brand you unhealthy, twenty-four hour period after day, continuously, until you lot're so sick that you can't be around information technology anymore or you'll die.
That'due south extreme I realize. I'g not saying that she's going to practice that to yous simply I am saying when y'all are effectually something radioactive, or "toxic" in this instance, you lot're going to feel it, even if she's not in the same room. Radioactive decay goes through walls. You may not know it'due south there, but you lot'll feel it. Yous will sense it. Y'all will recall about it. Information technology will eat away at you like I said earlier, even if she'south not doing anything harmful anymore. Even though she's gotten to a signal where she's too onetime to try to control you and she knows she'due south in a bad situation.
Unless she has fully apologized and reached some sort of emotional enlightenment, and realized that she's been harmful, telling you, "I am so so deplorable. I have been neglectful. I shouldn't have treated you lot that way. I shouldn't practise that. You are my daughter and I love you, " if she didn't say whatsoever of that, or fifty-fifty come close to something similar that, then she's pretty much the same person that y'all tried to deal with since childhood. She probably hasn't changed too much. Or the dynamic of your relationship hasn't inverse too much.
This means 2 things. One, she'll probably never alter because she'south at that age now, and she hasn't changed all the same. You're in your 20s so it's been many, many years. If she hasn't inverse by now, she probably won't.
2, you now have to do things, remember about things, and communicate a trivial differently because I'1000 worried that you might be responding and reacting the same way you used to react with her when you were a child.
If y'all were submissive and she was controlling back then, and yous're that same style now, that will continue the toxic relationship. It will continue the "relationship radiations". Not that it'due south easy to get away from that toxicity, but if your responses to her are still in any any way submissive instead of, "I'thou confident in myself. I'k confident in who I am. Let'due south talk well-nigh that in a respectful manner. This is my house and you lot have no right to talk to me, my married man or my kids that way."
If you're non showing up similar that, with conviction in yourself and spewing self-pity, cocky-love, self-respect, and self-care, no wonder you don't know who you are. Yous tin't know who yous are if you are still under some sort of control.
Even if she has no control over you, y'all probably however experience like she's a controlling element in your life. In fact, I would say from my limited perspective right now of your situation that because she's in your house, you feel like you lot don't have your own infinite. You probably feel like y'all don't have your own privacy, even if y'all practice, but really, y'all don't, because she's in the next room. You really can't speak freely almost her or anything. You probably withal feel controlled. If that'south the instance, you take no identity.
Y'all tin't experience like yous have your own identity around her considering you lot even so feel like you're nether that same level of control, and that you've never left your childhood home. This is one manner to look at information technology, is that you've never left your childhood home because the person that was controlling you is still there even if she's acting differently. She's still in your listen as that controller. And you may nevertheless exist responding to her in a way that is disempowering to you and giving her that control.
If she says, "I desire my bed made and you're not making it." How are you answering her? I'thousand just making up a scenario of course. She may be the nicest person now, I don't know. You didn't really mention if she's still a toxic chemical element in your life anymore. Merely let's just say that she said that: "I want my bed fabricated now. How come you're not making it before I get to bed? It's also hard for me." Her complaint may exist valid, but the fashion she is telling y'all makes you recollect, "Ugh. I have to deal with this at present."
You might be going through something similar this every day, so how are you showing up? Are y'all saying, "Well that'due south too bad. If y'all want your bed made, you'll accept to make information technology yourself."
That might sound cold because she is ill. Maybe she needs someone to take intendance of her. If that'southward the case, and that person is you, then in that location has to be an empowering chemical element for y'all to be in this controlling environment so that yous don't experience like y'all have no ability.
This is kind of step one of edifice the structure of who yous are. You accept to find a fashion to get your power back. I look at power as the ability to say what you desire, be what you want, and do what you desire. Doesn't mean you tin be, practice and say all anything you desire all the time, but you show up in a way that you lot experience comfortable and more than authentic. It has a lot to do with your beliefs and values. When you take those, you lot feel more powerful. Simply when somebody is around who takes that power away, you lot feel drained.
She may be this element that's draining you, causing y'all to experience like you lot have no structure in your life. That structure is built from the power that yous currently feel like you don't have.
Then how do we go our power back when we're in this controlling environment? My start thought on this, again with the limited data I have about yous and your situation is that you have to recollect that she is in your house, under your roof.
She may need help, yeah. And you are choosing to aid her. You're plainly making some sacrifices here, but she is still in your house. She is still nether your roof. Plus, and this is of import, she'due south no longer your mommy. I'thou maxim that from the kid'due south perspective. She's no longer "Mommy", she is your biological mother, but not Mommy. And you don't have to be the child with her. She is another adult in the firm. She's older than you, merely her age doesn't matter now considering you're both adults.
If you see age as some sort of hierarchy that you must follow, that's non how I desire it to piece of work for you. I don't want you to expect at it that way. As an older, wiser person, I want you lot to look at that other person in your hour as another developed. An developed that should treat you as the head of the household which means she doesn't take to treat y'all every bit a daughter.
Information technology would exist nice if this relationship was healthy and she could treat you similar a daughter but she doesn't have to. All she has to exercise is respect you as another equal adult and respect that this is your house. You lot know if you want some sense of identity, start owning this stuff. Kickoff owning the house.
That might mean you respond to her like this one day: "This is my house. Your bed's a mess. I didn't go to it so yous're just going to have to deal with that." Again, I know that sounds cold! "But Paul, she's a dying woman!"
Yes. And you lot are taking care of her. Yous are helping her live her final days in the best style possible, merely y'all besides don't have to have crap. You own the house. You ain the space you are providing, the roof over her head.
She might say "But I raised you! I gave you your life."
Of course she did! She had that responsibility. She chose to exist a parent. But now you are the parent which means yous get to control the environment because you own the firm and y'all own the space. And if she treats y'all right, you will care for her right back. You lot may have to say that to her. You may have to say, "If you start treating me with love and intendance, I will do the same for you lot."
She might get angry and she might tempest off. At that moment, yous might experience like a little girl again because some quondam fears may kicking in considering that's your "mommy".
She's not your mommy anymore. At present, if she shows up equally a loving, caring, salubrious, supportive, generous mommy, and you lot want to exist a petty child in that moment because it's healthy, by all means! But when a parent doesn't treat you the way they should treat yous, in my stance, the way they should treat you lot is to view yous as someone who's lovable, important and worthy.
If a parent is not treating you like that, then they're no longer your mommy or daddy. They're just another equal developed that yous'll just have to treat similar some other equal developed. If a friend moved into your house, or a stranger moved in as a roommate, and they started doing the same things, yous'd probably accept a problem standing up as the head of the household and maxim, "I'1000 sorry, that's unacceptable here. You lot can't do that hither."
I know I'm making a lot of assumptions here. I know that I'm assuming that your mom is doing all this behavior. You might be thinking 'she doesn't exercise any of this. Information technology's not that at all.' Only I want you to accept away what you can from what I but said about all this. I desire you to feel comfortable in your own pare, in your ain house, and own this place that you're in, non just the house, but who you lot are.
You are an equal. A fully grown adult with kids and a marriage. You ain the marriage. You ain the fact that y'all're a mom, and you're doing the best you can so no matter what anyone else says, information technology doesn't affair. You lot're doing the best you can. Nobody can convince you otherwise, because you're doing what you believe is right for you and your family. Plus you're making some big sacrifices having her in your home.
This tin be tricky considering some people say "Aye, merely she's your mom. She's family." I become it! I totally get that. For the most part, I concord. We have to take care of family when nosotros can if nosotros can. And it sounds like y'all might have the means to help accept care of her. Simply at the same time, just like I say in my other podcast Love and Abuse, you have to exist treated with respect and kindness. You take to know that you lot are in control of the situation.
Whether she likes it or non she's going to have to "merely deal with information technology." That's maybe where I'd apply that comment. Maybe yous can apply that comment to her. You lot already know you lot have to bargain with information technology. You've made some decisions to take her in your home, which is quite noble and, as you know, emotionally dangerous for you.
Just let's modify your perception. You own this place. You are the i in command. If she has a problem with that, it'due south simply too bad. She's going to have to brand do. She's going to have to deal with information technology. Considering y'all are going to show up as a loving, kind, caring and compassionate like I'thousand assuming you already are.
If she doesn't recognize how you're taking care of her, you may take to remind her. Remember to remind her: "Wait, I'm caring for you. I am trying to love yous. I'thou trying to be compassionate toward you, so when y'all care for me similar this, it shows me that you don't intendance. It shows me that you aren't thankful. It shows me that you don't even respect me. That's you lot're correct, of course. Yous don't have to intendance, but don't get in hard on me considering I'thou trying to make it easy for you. But if y'all make it hard for me, it only makes it worse for yous."
That'due south part 1 of my reply to you lot. This is part 1 of starting to construction your life so that you can figure out who you are. It's to own this stuff and get back in control of who you are. Don't care for her as "Mommy", ain what y'all have in your life. Be proud of what you take in your life. Because that'southward going to start defining you in small means. And sometimes large ways. And you'll start feeling better nigh yourself.
That's part two: You want to feel ameliorate about yourself. You desire to brand certain that you're doing things that make you feel amend about yourself. If you are submitting at all, and it makes y'all feel like disempowered, so perhaps submitting is the wrong thing to do. So part ii is figuring out where y'all lose your power. What behaviors are doing that? What practise y'all say? What do you lot do that drains you?
Whether your mom'southward involved with this or not, what practise you do that drains y'all? What do you do that makes you experience powerless? What do you lot practice that doesn't enhance your life, but instead diminishes it?
You mentioned you're a parent, merely you're not sure who you are. Let me say this, becoming a parent changes you. For near that is. For most people that become parents, they change. They become A Parent.
They become that person that has kids and needs to take care of them. Most people probably know what I'chiliad talking well-nigh. They went from doing anything they want, anytime they want (for the nearly part), to condign somebody that has to take care of someone all the fourth dimension. Then yep, simply becoming a parent changes you.
What I noticed from your story is that you didn't really understand or fully realize who y'all were before y'all became a parent, then the transformation into a parent caused you to change before you lot even knew who you were. This tells me that you probably had no solid foundation of knowing who you lot are.
That's like being twice removed from who you really are! You might feel that way. It's like a double dissociation. Earlier you were a parent, you felt dissociated, as if you lot didn't quite feel connected to the world. Then, while in this dissociated state, y'all became dissociated again because you transformed into a parent while already dissociated, causing you to become double dissociated.
Information technology's like you're separated from your true identity so far, that yes, y'all're going to feel lost. Yous're going to feel like you lot only tin't effigy things out. You lot merely don't accept the solid foundation you need that would really help you empathise yourself. If that's what happened to you lot, I get that.
Again, I'm making some guesses hither. I'm assuming that's what happened. Y'all went from not being a parent and non knowing who yous are, to being a parent and really not knowing who yous are because you had no foundation.
Ane style to create a new foundation of who you are is something I already mentioned: Figuring out what yous do that drains you and what you lot exercise that enhances you.
Information technology'due south very helpful to know this stuff. This is not necessarily creating your identity, but what you'll find out is when yous do things that you like, information technology usually fulfills you lot. When you do things that y'all don't like information technology usually drains you in some cases. And what ends up happening is that if you take more that drains y'all, then yous experience less compelled to do those things considering they are just less compelling. Afterward all, if yous become drained whenever you lot practise those things, there'southward exist no incentive to exercise them anymore. This is how the drain is created.
If feel obligated to do the things that drain you, then you are less of who you want to exist. I wait at trying to place who you are and trying to sympathize your role in this universe equally moving toward who you desire to exist and what yous want to do more and more.
Every bit you do that, y'all discover who you are.
If y'all're e'er doing things that y'all don't want to exercise, things that disempower or drain y'all, you will forget who you lot are.
It's not always easy to not do the things that bleed y'all. It'south non fifty-fifty e'er possible. I'm non saying that you lot tin can simply get out and do anything you want because there are obligations in your life. And you lot know that information technology's a given you have to bargain with it.
I'thou not saying that you have to, just what can nosotros do in add-on to that and so that nosotros can understand ourselves better and help us with some self-identity stuff?
I think aside from just doing what you lot want more often, which is again, hard to do sometimes, is to do this do that I've talked about on another episode, which is to create a circle in the middle of a slice of newspaper and write your name in it.
This is the Happiness Mind Map. I merely made up that name. The Happiness Heed Map works past writing your proper name in the middle of a piece of paper, then drawing a circle around it.
That's your identity. Everything you are. Everything you call up. Everything yous feel and believe. That's you lot in that circle.
Now draw a line from that circle in any direction and draw another circle. In that circle, write the proper noun of the person y'all're around the most. At present draw another line from the center "You" circle and put someone else'south proper name in that circle.
Draw yet another line from the center circle, brand another circumvolve off the end of that line, and put somebody else's proper name.
What you're essentially doing is creating your circumvolve of influence. Well, more like circles of influence. You're a circle in the middle, and the circles around yous are anybody in your life. These are the people that you deal with the near, talk to the most, are hanging around the about, are in your mind the nearly.
I'm non talking almost people that alive thousands of miles away. You tin can think about them all the time because you miss them but they are not in your proximity. I'1000 talking almost the people that still have a direct influence on you. They're around you, you're talking to them, y'all're probably around them a lot. Or you're on the phone with them a lot.
Put those names in the circles around the center circle. Just fill up your paper with all the people in your circles of influence and soon you will see everyone that makes up part of the totality of all the people that get through your mind and go through your life every solar day.
It's helpful to exercise this with a pencil (or even a computer) considering nosotros're going to practise some erasing. Simply before we practise that, I want y'all to look at that piece of paper with yous in the middle and all these people around y'all. These are all your associations, your relatives, friends, coworkers, whoever. What's fatigued in front end of yous is a good outline of who affects you lot.
We started off with your name and the circle. And then we put all these other circles around information technology. All these people. What I want you to exercise now is shut your eyes and visualize your life and all these people in your life. Recollect about how they affect you and your day to day routine. Think near how you experience in general, most of the time with these people in your life?
Just practice that. Close your eyes and consider how yous feel about of the time.
You wrote downwardly all these names, all these people in your life. And as those people come in and out of your thoughts, check in and feel what yous feel.
You might experience one fashion when someone you love comes into your mind and feel another way when someone else comes to mind. How does it experience when your mom comes in there? Yous have these feelings that will come and go. Some feelings will stay with you lot and some will not.
Keep doing this with all the people in your life and ask yourself "How Do I experience in full general with all these people in my life?"
You might have some mixed feelings. There will definitely be some people that don't make yous feel very good. You'll call up of some people that make y'all experience really practiced.
Continue doing this until you're prepare to open your optics and continue.
Remember how that felt.
Look down at your paper and you see all those circles over again. So here's what I want yous to do, this is the next step, choice any name, mayhap someone who's not around you lot all the time, but just sometimes. One time you pick a name, take your eraser and erase their name (or cross it out, any you want to do). Accept them out of your circles of influence.
That person is now gone. This is the visual metaphor I want you to utilise. Say to yourself, "That person is no longer in my life."
Close your eyes and bank check in, asking yourself how that feels. All of these other people are still at that place, simply that i person is no longer in your life.
Just sit with that for a moment. In that location could be some positive thoughts or negative thoughts. There could exist a bunch of different thoughts. Or maybe it doesn't impact y'all too much it. Maybe information technology was a co-worker or any, simply without that person in your life, how practice you feel now?
Soak that in for a moment. That person is no longer around. How are yous doing?
One time you've sabbatum with that for a minute or and so, erase somebody else's name. Maybe someone y'all see more of. Cull any name. I empathize you may not want to do this someone very close to you, simply if y'all really want to play this total-on, I would effort it. It might be emotionally challenging for you and I'm not asking you to practise this for long. Yous don't have to sit in sadness or anything that makes you upset for long. Just do this for a moment. Fifty-fifty just a few seconds. If you don't want to erase a item name, yous don't take to. If it's too painful, just put their name back. All nosotros're doing is trying things out.
In that location's actually a lot you can become from this because nosotros tend to have advantage of the people in our life considering they're in our life. But when they're non there, it makes us experience a little unlike. We might come out of a visualization similar this with more appreciation and more than gratefulness. Non that I'm proverb you didn't feel grateful, but simply in example, information technology gives you lot a sense of taste of what information technology would exist similar without them.
Again, you lot don't have to spend a lot of time on this. Erasing someone you really dear or are close to is tough. Only it helps with perspective because what you're going to do at present is erase someone that maybe has a negative impact in your life.
Do that now. Erase their proper name. Then shut your eyes and ask yourself what life is like without this person. How do you lot feel in general, overall, without this person in your life?
While you're doing this, y'all could retrieve well-nigh what life would be like in a calendar week if this person wasn't around. You recollect a year ahead. How does it feel thinking about an entire yr without this person in your life? Where are you? How are yous inside? Is life better? Is information technology worse? Is information technology different?
This is just an do. It's only a way to help yous connect with something that may be hard to connect to considering some people are always around. Some people you think you lot'll never go rid of are simply there and you might retrieve there is no way to get away from them and there never will exist.
Try that on! For the person who wrote to me, attempt that with your mother. Try it with your husband. Effort it with other people that may or may non be more important or less important. You don't accept to get through everyone, but become through a agglomeration.
Sometimes you'll erase someone and things will be a lot better. And sometimes they won't. What this practise does is help yous decide what makes you happy and what doesn't. Non that people are the reason for your happiness, but some people are the reason that nosotros can't feel happy but because they exist in our lives.
I don't desire to say that but it'southward true. Some people exist in our lives, and we can't notice happiness because they exist in our lives. When you do this exercise, information technology will help you identify some of the components that are causing you to stay in this bad space and feel drained. The more drained you feel, the less connected to yourself you'll be. And the less connected you are, the more trouble yous'll have figuring out who you lot are.
You can also expand this. It doesn't have to be just people. It tin be places similar, "Okay, I'1000 going to put the yoga studio upwards here, and I'yard going to put my workplace correct there, and I'm going to brand a circle for the park down the street…"
You can try that out with and without those components in your life if you desire. Again, you can do this in your mind without writing it down. It's just an interesting procedure to assist you notice what yous desire in your life versus what you don't want.
This leads to something y'all mentioned your email: What motivates you.
I've discovered that some people are demotivating. For instance, you lot tell them something great that you want to do with your life, y'all're so excited nearly it, but they immediately debunk it. They immediately say all the stuff that's wrong with it. And they also think you're stupid for even thinking near it. So you lot hold back and don't tell them anything swell anymore because they're and so demotivating.
Of course that's going to demotivate you lot! I'yard not saying the person who wrote is dealing with that. I think that when y'all became a parent that yous felt that double dissociation I was talking virtually earlier. Yous never got a take chances to explore who you are.
I'thou going to give y'all a couple more opposite-technology tricks that you can exercise. As well the Happiness Mind Map I was talking almost earlier, and owning who you lot are – owning the house, owning your marriage, owning the fact that you are an equal adult with all the other adults around y'all, owning that you lot have every correct to stand up for yourself and honor and protect yourself and your family…
Only the mind map and owning all those things near your life is you going toward what yous want and understanding what drains y'all versus what empowers you. Owning your place in this world helps you to commencement to define the structure of your life. And as yous do more than and more of this, that structure helps yous class your identity, or at least reveal it.
A third component of this is honoring your personal boundaries which is similar to owning it. And part of owning it is also honoring yourself and enforcing your personal boundaries. Considering when you enforce your personal boundaries, you're telling people what's acceptable and what's not, and that also helps create a foundational structure of your life because yous may non know who you were.
You may non have ever had a fully formed identity which means y'all have to create it today. You accept to motion forward, saying the things that you want and telling people what'south acceptable and what's not, making decisions and continuing firm on those decisions because you're an adult.
You tin can make decisions and you can as well make mistakes, only to own those decisions is to stand up firm. And if you make a mistake, you'll own that besides. Equally yous own things and as you stand up up for yourself, it helps create the construction of your identity. This helps you showtime to course better decisions which helps with your conviction, your self-worth your self-esteem. It likewise helps to create an understanding that maybe you never had.
Everything I'm sharing with yous today is a way to create your identity or reveal it then that you can really step into it and arrive yours. Because if yous've never had one, or you don't believe you've had one, it sounds like y'all accept to starting time making things yours. Given your upbringing, you may never have had your own identity. In the end, it'due south all near owning it.
Let me give yous this concluding slice of communication which has to practice with something else you said in your email. You said you're having trouble losing weight and you can't get motivated.
Doing something challenging like that starts with the mental game. The mental game has to be addressed kickoff. Everything I'm talking about in this episode is that mental game. If you first an exercise or a weight loss routine and you but can't stick with it, it'south almost ever the mental game.
The mental game consists of your thought processes and how you handle yourself. If yous are at all wishy-washy, and you lot're not confident in yourself, and you have depression self-worth, then information technology'south going to exist very difficult to stick with any routine. Then yous may take to put aside your struggle with weight loss and constantly thinking about what you lot're not doing right when it comes to that and actually start doing the steps that I outlined in this episode.
If you start to master those steps beginning, the routines will come up a lot easier because y'all'll have a clear caput. Yous'll exist able to get rid of the fog. The fog is what causes us to fall off the bandwagon every time. When yous don't take that fog and y'all ain your life, owning who you are, owning your decisions, and then you get unstoppable.
Nothing will be able to stop y'all if you offset a weight loss routine or an practise routine. Y'all'll do it every solar day or every day you desire to exercise information technology. Y'all'll accept charge of your life and tell yourself, "This is what I desire for my life and then I'yard going to do it."
When you lot get the mental game down, you'll know what y'all desire for your life and you'll do it until y'all reach it! But there'southward probably stuff going on in your life right at present that you haven't really stood up for. Or, yous experience like that footling kid that's still stuck in an onetime situation when yous were growing up.
There's a lot more than to talk about regarding this subject, only I'm going to leave it here because I believe I've given you some things to work with. At to the lowest degree I hope I accept. I promise y'all don't feel like I'm just telling y'all to bargain with it. That is non what I'm maxim at all. I don't want you to feel that style. I want to give you hope.
This is sort of the stoic or Buddhist philosophy. It'due south not what happens, but your reaction to what happens and what yous do instead of the way you used to react. The manner you used to react, or at to the lowest degree how you're doing information technology now, might accept to modify then much that people don't know who you are.
If people don't know who you are, they actually tin can't define who you are, can they? Considering you're showing up as a different person. They'll inquire you, "Who are you?"
That might exist a scary idea, only if you want your life to change, y'all will have to make some changes. That doesn't mean you lot have to become a total stranger. At that place are probably many wonderful things about yous that you lot don't want to modify. I'm not asking you to change the wonderful things. I'm request you to change what drains you lot. I'm asking you to detect and alter your responses and reactions to things, and to notice if you are responding or reacting to something.
So enquire yourself, "Is my response or reaction disempowering to me?" Considering if it is, you'll never, ever be able to identify with yourself. Y'all'll always feel that dissociated feeling, and never exist able to crawl out of whatever hole you experience similar you're in.
Nosotros don't desire that. We want you to be able to get out of that hole. And some of the things I talked about today feel like sort of leaps of religion. Y'all might remember if you honor yourself in one situation, you might become yelled at.
Yep, you might.
I'1000 not saying yous honor yourself with violent or aggressive people. And I'm talking about physical assailment. If they just yell at y'all, that's probably non aggressive enough to be fearful for your life. But we withal have to selection our battles wisely, of course. But we besides have to wait at what's draining us and make sure that we show upwardly in a solid, confident mode, even if nosotros're well-nigh to say something we feel fear nearly it.
One style to learn what empowers or disempowers you is to ask yourself, "What would I practise or say if I had absolutely no fright of the consequences?"
That'due south how yous effigy out what you want and what empowers you. Y'all learn what disempowers y'all when y'all go against what yous'd really practice or say if you had no fright. In other words, to the person who wrote to me, what would you practice or say to your mom if you had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
So the next step is actually doing or saying information technology. And then,d on't just deal with it. Do it. Just do information technology. I desire you to succeed.
I hope to hear dorsum from y'all. I hope this has been helpful. Thank you and so much for sharing this and I wish you the best with this challenging situation. I know it's tough, simply y'all can do this. I capeesh you.
***
Often what you exercise defines who you are.
Ofttimes what you say defines who you are.
Ofttimes how you conduct defines who you are.
How y'all react defines who you are.
How you reply to things and how you perceive things defines who you are. And because of that, you get to create who you are every day.
You get to create who you are every moment of every day. This is something I effort to remember all the time when I'm effectually others, especially toxic people. If a toxic person like my stepfather shows upwardly when I'm visiting family unit, I'll ask myself, "Who am I going to be? Am I going to be the picayune child that was always afraid of him growing up?"
My stepfather was an abusive alcoholic in my family. I was scared of standing upward to him all my life until one day I did. I was in my 40s when I did, but I finally did. How did I do information technology? Every bit he stood there wanting to enter my mom'south abode later on their separation, I asked myself, "Who am I going to be right at present?
That moment defined me. It added to the foundation that defines who I am.
You ascertain you lot in every moment of the twenty-four hours.
Sometimes you do things that are disempowering. Sometimes they're draining. Sometimes yous have to things you lot don't desire to do. Merely what are you lot doing the rest of the time? Are yous always showing upwardly in a disempowered state, or do yous do that in select moments because you lot have to? And if so, exercise you show up in a more empowered land the rest of the time, owning who you lot are, standing up for who you are, and honoring your personal boundaries?
I try to practice this all the fourth dimension. Yes, it's hard. Yeah, it feels similar a spring of organized religion into an endless pit sometimes. It is scary. Sometimes it feels like I'g going to die.
That's sort of exaggerating, but information technology tin experience that way sometimes. I remember, "Oh my god, I'yard going to dice if I do this." But then I do it anyhow and find out what happens.
I'g not saying you should always do that. I'm just saying yous ascertain who y'all are in every moment. If yous've allowed people to control you and have ability over you and take your power away, what function tin you command so you can take some of that power dorsum, even if it ways taking a risk?
Taking a risk is usually the emotional challenge inside of us that we need to get over. Unless it's too risky considering the person we're effectually is too unsafe. That's a unlike chance. We don't want to take those kinds of risks because we don't want to put our lives in danger. But think near everything else you deal with and all the other types of people that you deal with in your life. Virtually of them are non going to be physically dangerous. If they are, maybe yous should make a decision to not be around those people, if possible.
I know it's different for everyone so apply what you can today and leave the rest for another solar day. I only want to give you some tools to aid you stay out of disempowering situations and give yous the mental forcefulness you may need to create the life you want.
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