How Do You Know if You Need Your Wisdom Teeth Taken Out Reddit

Here are 170 of the best funny quotes I could find. The goal? To make you relax, express mirth and have a proficient time. You'll find quotes by Bill Murray, Steven Wright, Tina Fey, Jim Carrey, and more than. Bask!

I intend to live forever. So far, then good. Steven Wright

Tomorrow is frequently the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, only I ever found them. Rodney Dangerfield

Rice is great when you're hungry and yous desire 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg

Life is short. Smile while you still accept teeth. Unknown

Advertisement

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg

The best manner to teach your kids well-nigh taxes is by eating 30 percentage of their ice cream. Neb Murray

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm agape of widths. Steven Wright

I have always wanted to be somebody, simply I come across now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

Ad

Don't be so apprehensive – you are not that swell. Golda Meir

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

Cognition is like underwear. It is useful to have information technology, but not necessary to prove information technology off. Bill Murray

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Marking Twain

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose. Steven Wright

Related quote topics: creativity, attitude, famous, positive

A few quick thoughts on fun and laughing…

Isn't it great when you lot have a truly expert laugh?

Don't y'all take the impression that fourth dimension stops and y'all're 100% in the moment, appreciating it?

With the seriousness and busyness of modern life, it's too like shooting fish in a barrel to forget the importance and benefits of relaxing, spooky and having fun with friends.

Most of us, myself included, are ever living the side by side-affair-next-affair-next-matter, without stopping.

At present,

I invite y'all to STOP, take a pause, and savour a funny video or testify of one your favorite comedian.

The All-time Funny Quotes

Go to table of contents

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'thousand with iv or more people. Mitch Hedberg

It'southward okay if yous don't like me. Not everyone has good taste. Click to tweet

I live on a one-fashion street that's also a dead stop. I'chiliad not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you lot an automobile. Billy Sunday

Never trust people who grin constantly. They're either selling something or non very brilliant. Laurell K. Hamilton

I did not nourish his funeral, simply I sent a nice letter saying I canonical of it. Mark Twain

A lie gets halfway effectually the world before the truth has a adventure to go its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

When life gives you lemons, eject someone in the heart. Cathy Guisewite

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

Advertisement

That's why they call it the American Dream, considering y'all have to exist asleep to believe it. George Carlin

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for information technology. George Bernard Shaw

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

I similar long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

If you think nobody cares almost you, endeavor missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright Click to tweet

The four almost cute words in our mutual language: I told you lot so. Gore Vidal

My esteem in this country has gone up essentially. It is very nice at present that when people moving ridge at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter (The states president 1977 to 1981)

The only mode to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather non. Mark Twain

Part 2. Funny Quotes That ARE…

Brusk Funny Quotes And Humorous Lines

Go to table of contents

1-liners, brusque funny quotes, sayings, thoughts and captions for your bio, social condition, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, backgrounds.

The first time I come across a jogger grinning, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers Click to tweet

When nothing is going right, get left.

Never become to bed mad. Stay upwardly and fight. Phyllis Diller

Never miss a good gamble to close up. Volition Rogers

Sane is deadening. R.A. Salvatore

I'm addicted to placebos. Steven Wright Click to tweet

I'd like to live like a poor man – just with lots of coin. Pablo Picasso

Puns are the highest grade of literature. Alfred Hitchcock

Do non take life besides seriously. You will never get out of it live. Elbert Hubbard

Want to become more peaceful?

It's simple:

Go our daily quotes by electronic mail today!

Subscribe!

All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain

What'due south another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

The grass is always greener on the side that's fertilized with bullshit.

What do people exercise with all the extra time they salve by writing 'thou' instead of 'ok'?

Funny Quotes That Are Self-Deprecating

Become to tabular array of contents

My life feels like a test I didn't study for. Click to tweet

I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I merely go normal from time to time.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly recall everything I forgot to do. Unknown

I'm actually not funny. I'one thousand merely actually mean and people think I'm joking.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, merely it's similar a circus in my head. Steven Wright

I went to a coming together for premature ejaculators. I left early. Jack Benny

I was but viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker (twitter.com)

Finally my wintertime fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.

Sometimes I desire to become dorsum in time and punch myself in the face.

My brain has too many tabs open up.

I don't even believe myself when I say I'll be ready in five minutes.

My all-time birth command at present is just to go out the lights on. Joan Rivers (marieclaire.co.uk)

Demand some life advice?

Or a specific topic covered?

Contact me today to tell me more about it.

I volition endeavour my best to help you.

Contact WisdomQuotes

Become to tabular array of contents

I'k not shy, I'm holding dorsum my awesomeness and then I don't intimidate you. Click to tweet

Is 'ugh' an emotion? Because I savage it all the time.

If y'all are alone, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while information technology won't feel like you are lone anymore.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my communication. Pakalu Papito (twitter.com)

If you lot are hotter than me it means I'thou libation than you. Pakalu Papito

Yous're welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea then information technology'south more unstable than i am. TextsFromLastNight

I don't weigh myself considering most scales don't know how heavy all the grudges I'm holding onto are. Matt Bellassai (twitter.com)

If we're not meant to take midnight snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator.

I am not lazy. I am on free energy saving fashion.

"Fries or salad?" sums upward every developed conclusion yous take to make. Aparna Nancherla (twitter.com)

In this horrible time, let united states at least be bolstered by pocket-sized miracles like finding out your ex moved to a dissimilar city. Aparna Nancherla

What was your key motivation for this piece? The due engagement.

I simply want my stomach to be as flat every bit my ass. #FitnessGoals Bill Burr (twitter.com)

Funny Sayings, Twisted Humor, Quirky Lines And Sarcastic Sayings

Become to table of contents

You're only equally expert as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz

Men cannot alive by bread alone; he must accept peanut butter. James A. Garfield Click to tweet

Food is like sex: When you lot abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look skillful. Beth McCollister

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was existence ridiculous – everyone hasn't met me nonetheless. Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to sentinel my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet

I establish there was simply one mode to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; just if this is tea, delight bring me some java. Abraham Lincoln

My imitation plants died considering I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

Related: fake people and fake friends quotes

I drank some boiling h2o considering I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

I walk around similar everything is fine, just deep downwardly, within my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Steven Wright

I drive way as well fast to worry well-nigh cholesterol. Steven Wright

Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.

Maybe yous should eat some makeup and so yous tin exist pretty on the inside too.

Office three. Funny And Wise Quotes From The Funniest People Ever

Pecker Murray

Get to tabular array of contents

Goose egg prepared me for beingness this awesome. It'southward kind of a stupor. It's kind of a shock to wake upwards every morn and be bathed in this regal light. Bill Murray

People are similar music. Some speak the truth, and others are just dissonance. Bill Murray

Chris Rock

Get to table of contents

There are simply three things women need in life: nutrient, h2o and compliments. Chris Rock (en.wikiquote.org)

I live in a neighborhood then bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Chris Rock

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks xvi, she's twelve. If she tells y'all she'southward twenty-six and looks 20-half dozen, she's damn near forty. Chris Rock

If yous can keep your son off the pipe and your girl off the pole, you're ahead of the game. Chris Stone

Only impaired people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. Chris Rock Click to tweet

What the fuck do women want? I know what yous want: everything. Chris Rock

Dave Chappelle

Go to table of contents

They say love is more important than money…Accept you tried paying your bills with a hug? Dave Chappelle (azquotes.com)

Yous know you must be doing something right if quondam people like you. Dave Chappelle

Fame for me is like a place, a land I'm taking a tour through. Dave Chappelle

Jerry Seinfeld

Go to table of contents

A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you lot don't have any summit for information technology. Jerry Seinfeld (vagabomb.com)

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day e'er only exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld

What is a date, really, but a chore interview that lasts all nighttime? The only difference is that in non many job interviews is in that location a chance you'll wind upwards naked. Jerry Seinfeld

Y'all know you're getting old when you get that ane candle on the block. It'due south like, 'See if you can blow this out'. Jerry Seinfeld

Men desire the same matter from their underwear that they want from women: a lilliputian chip of support, and a little flake of freedom. Jerry Seinfeld

Jim Carrey

Go to tabular array of contents

Behind every great human being is a woman rolling her optics. Jim Carrey Click to tweet

You know the problem with real life? There'south no danger music. Jim Carrey

I don't want to exist a vampire. I'grand a day person. Jim Carrey

Until Ace Ventura, no histrion had considered talking through his ass. Jim Carrey

Jimmy Fallon

Go to table of contents

The one affair you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. Jimmy Fallon (scoopwhoop.com)

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, and then that at least I'd have an excuse. Jimmy Fallon

If you lot're a sports fan yous realize that when you run across somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your squad. They don't have a option. Jimmy Fallon

I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. Jimmy Fallon

I don't even read the papers. I read 'USA Today' because it has color photos. Jimmy Fallon

Honestly, I just want to continue people awake. Or at to the lowest degree give y'all one joke to go to bed with. Jimmy Fallon

Thank you lot, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a equus caballus. What you are is a liar food. Jimmy Fallon

Thank you, 2:xxx in the morning, for always existence the first sign that tomorrow's gonna suck. Jimmy Fallon Click to tweet

Kevin Hart

Go to tabular array of contents

I call up if you lot become kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your confront. Kevin Hart (fearlessmotivation.com)

These glasses are way ii big for my damn confront! I expect like I got on a damn tinted construction mask. Kevin Hart

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks similar ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart

Marriage is a 24 hour job. You get married, y'all're no longer an individual. Yous tin't do nothing by yourself when y'all get married. Everything is a squad try. 'Us', 'we', 'let'due south', dear, come up on partner. You can't practise cipher by yourself. Kevin: Infant I'grand gonna exist right back I'm going to the store. Wife: Well, wait, let me get my coat. Kevin: Bit__, it'due south right in that location on the corner. I simply wanna go some fries. I ain't going to sleep with nobody. Kevin Hart (YouTube video)

First off, my kids know I'm a big deal. Kevin Hart (YouTube video)

If I all the same cannot hear what you have to say after yous take repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was non a question. Kevin Hart

Louis C.One thousand.

Go to table of contents

Boys fuck things upward. Girls are fucked up. Louis C.G. Louis C.K. (thoughtcatalog.com) Click to tweet

There are two types of people in the globe: People who say they pee in the shower and dingy fucking liars. Louis C.Grand.

"Fuck it." That's really the attitude that'due south keeps a family together. Information technology'south not "Nosotros beloved each other!" It's "Fuck it." Louis C.M.

Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't go along telling people what yous're doing. Also it lights upwards your big impaired confront. Louis C.K.

I definitely wait at my body and I get 'yuck'. Louis C.K.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. Louis C.K.

It's a positive affair to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them. Louis C.M.

Here's how my brain works: information technology's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further assay. Louis C.K. Click to tweet

Ricky Gervais

Go to table of contents

Only because you're offended, doesn't hateful yous're right. Ricky Gervais (bbcamerica.com) Click to tweet

Yous won't fire in hell. But be nice anyway. Ricky Gervais

I run into Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in whatsoever God the almost. Ricky Gervais

The best advice I've ever received is, 'No i else knows what they're doing either'. Ricky Gervais

My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn't reoffended. I think he'south going directly, which shows you prison does work. Ricky Gervais

Remember, when y'all are expressionless, you do not know y'all are dead. It is simply painful for others. The aforementioned applies when y'all are stupid. Ricky Gervais

Mondays are fine. It'due south your life that sucks. Ricky Gervais

Beingness on the edge isn't as safe, but the view is amend. Ricky Gervais

Robin Williams

Get to table of contents

I'm lamentable, if you were right, I'd hold with you. Robin Williams Click to tweet

Why do they call information technology rush hr when nothing moves? Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a encephalon and a penis, and just plenty claret to run one at a fourth dimension. Robin Williams

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got cypher to lose. Robin Williams

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams

Ah, aye, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man'south genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams

Ryan Reynolds

Go to table of contents

What would y'all say to your barber? I'grand really protective of my penis. Which haircut will make sure information technology never meets anyone? Ryan Reynolds (twitter.com)

Anyone know the number to 911? Ryan Reynolds Click to tweet

Aeroplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn't until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing. Ryan Reynolds

Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was and so excited when I got dwelling house and told her. Ryan Reynolds

Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you've been fucked to expiry past a thousand pillows. Ryan Reynolds

If you find me, please permit me know where the hell I've been. Ryan Reynolds

We're non kissing. We're feeding each other like babe birds. Ryan Reynolds

Tina Fey

Go to tabular array of contents

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. Tina Fey (buzzfeed.com) Click to tweet

Null is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. Tiny Fey

I say if you're and then mad you could merely cry, then weep. It terrifies everyone. Tina Fey

If you want to make an audience laugh, you lot dress a human upwards like an former lady and push button her down the stairs. If you want to make one-act writers express mirth, you button an bodily old lady down the stairs. Tina Fey

A Harvard Medical Schoolhouse study has adamant that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, information technology really teaches the infant who'due south boss. Tina Fey

Say yeah. You'll effigy it out subsequently. Tina Fey

It will never be perfect, only perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live Tv set. Tina Fey

Zach Galifianakis

Become to table of contents

The word abbreviation certain is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis (jokes4us.com)

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'dull children playing' are and then very mean. Zach Galifianakis

I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name. Zach Galifianakis

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by selection – but I idea it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend looks a little similar Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing. Zach Galifianakis

I like to read the Bible in public places then people are watching me read it. I like just to murmur out to myself, 'Oh bullshit'. Zach Galifianakis

I wonder if in 2050 at that place volition be a pic called, 'Dude, Where'southward My Spaceship.' Zach Galifianakis

I would start a revolution, but I but bought a hammock. Zach Galifianakis Click to tweet

Zach, To Brad Pitt: Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan? Brad: Why? Zack: Because you alive in your wife'due south shadow (Angelina Jolie in 2014).  Zach Galifianakis

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other solar day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis

Part 4. Conclusion

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger past taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin

Telephone call to action: Read 7 Reasons Why Laughter Makes Yous More Productive (lifehack.org)

or 100 Life Quotes That Will Inspire You (wisdomquotes.com)

or 100 Positive Quotes That Volition Brighten Your Day (wisdomquotes.com)

Hope you lot enjoyed these funny quotes and that you laugh (or at least smile) a few times throughout the page.

If you did like the quotes, please share them with a friend today!

What was your favorite line or writer? Tell us in the annotate department below!

Ukraine Ukraine

theisbefer1966.blogspot.com

Source: https://wisdomquotes.com/funny-quotes/

Share this post